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Tough Titties by Carman C. Curton
To: Levi Common
From: Cat McAlba
RE: Tuff Cuff Urine Cup
L,
I found a harness online that will let the horses walk around and still collect the urine. Not only would it get PETA off our backs because the mares wouldn’t be in their stalls 24/7, they’d also be more comfortable, and we’d have less shit to shovel if they were in the great outdoors during the day. I’ve attached an order form. Want to look into it?
Catherine McAlba
Broodmare Urine Collection Technician
Champion Meadows
To: Cat McAlba
From: Levi Common
RE: Tuff Titty
My life’s tough. Keeping this fucking farm running is tougher. I’m stuck in this office all day. Doing my job. Do I give a rat’s ass if these horses are stuck inside all day, too? The fuck do u think? If you can’t do your job without pissing and moaning about shit then get out and I’ll give it to someone who can. Stuff your tough cup where the sun don’t shine. And stop calling me “L” like I’m your pet or something.
Levi Paul Common, Jr.
Owner, Director of Operations
Champion Meadows
To: Levi Common
From: Cat McAlba
RE: Tough Stuff
L,
Strix and Peeka are getting contact rashes. No way they’re going to pass the next walk-thru. It’ll be rough making the minimum quota if we lose two more mares. Would you like to hear about tough? I didn’t start in horses. When I was 17, I artificially inseminated rats. For money. Good money, too. You’d be surprised how many rats you can jerk in an hour. Those little rat dicks are a riot. In no time at all those silly stiff-dick males were in heaven. One—'cause my finger and the glove and that test tube did them just right. Two—I’ve seen females eat the males afterwards if they weren’t so happy with the proceedings. They wanted me and not a big, fat girl rat. C
Catherine McAlba
Director of Dick Tickling Operations
To: Cat McAlba
From: Levi Common
RE: Tuff Titty
I don’t care if you sucked rat dick for money. And said thank you after. These horses are piss machines not pets and they got numbers not names. If names and this job are important to you start using mine. L-e-v-i.
Levi Paul Common, Jr.
Head Dick in Charge of Everything
To: Levi Common
From: Cat McAlba
RE: Tough Enough
L,
Hatch said the foal out of Filanza (#114) died of septicemia yesterday, and I put down the colt from Perky (#79) for cleft palate. So they’ll be ready for the stallion in a week or two. That would balance putting Charlie Girl (#193) and Fay (#216) out of rotation while I treat their sores. Here’s something about tough. When I was 16, I bred mares for Roaring Spring Stables, but not for the money. Because I got off on it. I liked stringing up that mare’s leg. Wrapping that chain around her lip, so she had to take it. I liked grabbing that stallion’s flapping dick and shoving it in for him. I loved the mare’s scream. The biting. The blood. Good stuff. Nothing like it. C
Catherine McAlba
Executive Stallion Stroker
To: Cat McAlba
From: Levi Common
RE: Tuff Titty
I don’t give a fucking shit what you done with rat dicks and horse pussy. I been on the phone twice today with Pfizer about minimum production standards and storage tank temperatures. Cause quality mare’s urine matters when old biddies need hormone cream for their dried up pussies. Crying about how horses can’t move and mucking out two times a day and making sure no piss ever touches their boo-boos means you don’t got your priorities right. I told you, these aint your pets. Take the names off the paperwork and make sure only the numbers are on before you leave tonight. You’re on notice.
Levi Paul Common, Jr.
Owner Champion Meadows—where your Ass-is-Grass
To: Levi Common
From: Cat McAlba
RE: Tough Muff
L,
Let me tell you something about tough. I started fucking men when I was eleven because it hurt less than getting hit. And usually took less time. Never liked it. Still don’t. But I learned when a man can really hurt you, and when he wants to hurt you but doesn’t have the stones. It’s a useful skill. C
Catherine McAlba
Executive Officer of Cock Jockey Operations
To: Cat McAlba
From: Levi Common
RE: Tuff Titty
You’re fucking nuts. Don’t bother coming in tomorrow. Hatch’ll mail your check.
Levi Paul Common, Jr.
Executive Director in Charge of Cum Dumps
To: Levi Common
From: Cat McAlba
RE: Tough Snuff
You wanna see tough?
You’re about to see the face of it. Look out your office door, Levi. Time to meet the titties—
Carman C. Curton consumes caffeine while writing a series of microstories called QuickFics, which she leaves in random places for people to find. She’s been published at Snakeskin Poetry and was shortlisted for the Fiction War Fall 2018 competition. You can talk with her about flash fiction and your noir-ish tales of woe on Twitter @CarmanCCurton.
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